I'm in that mood again. It probably only happens every couple of months, but I can't figure out any sort of pattern. It hits hardest especially after I've been really up and optimistic for a while. It's that mood when you think the world is out to get you. And everything bugs me. The way that my roommates get up so early (like 7am) and don't even try to be quiet. Or how about how Sara was so condescending about the teacher's college discussion we had. I'm ultra-sensitive, and I know that I am taking things too seriously and too much to heart, but sometimes I don't want to deal with the sarcasm. I want everyone to walk on eggshells...because I feel like one harsh joke and I can break down in tears. And to top it off we're having a huge snowstorm in April and I can't get my hands to warm up. I don't want to come out of my bedroom, my lower back aches from typing two essays in the last 36 hours...and everyone gets to go out for a drink but I have to finish writing about the effects of wartime propaganda on women's roles in the workplace. UHHHHH!!!!!! But don't worry...I'm sure I'll feel back to my crazily-optimistic, energetic self tommorrow! Maybe I need a day like this once in a while to remind myself that i'm not superhuman and that I am cannot be eternally happy and optimistic 365 days of the year. But whatever it is I hope it passes soon. At least I'm going home and seeing my family (and kitty) tommorrow. Yeah!

Wow...2 updates in one day. But I have a dilema. My ex-boyfriend and I are still friends (we live in the same city so we go out for coffee or watch a movie together about once a week). We were together for close to 5 years and for a while I was convinced that I'd found my 'right' person. But anyways, we broke up under somewhat unusual and difficult to deal with circumstances. So now, he's graduating in May and wants me to come to his Grad Ball which is at the end of May(he's graduating from Royal Military College). I know it will really mean a lot to him if I come because he wouldn't have asked otherwise. He's also moving to Victoria in June and this will probably be the last chance we have to spend time together before things really start to change. But his parents are going to be there and all his friends and I don't know if I'm the right person to accompany him. My worry is that it will set both of us back...we've been broken up for over a year and he was the hardest person I've ever had to let go of. I feel really strong and independent and happy with my life as a 'single girl'. So I don't know if going with him will be a good thing, I mean he's one of the most important people in my life and this is one of the most important events in his life, so I should be there, right? Or it might be counter-productive to us moving on from each other. I can see myself adopting the 'girlfriend image' for the weekend. I just don't know what to do. This past year I have really focused on making positive decisions for myself but I feel like I should make this decision for him. Ugggghhhh!

Today was a very good day. I found out that I got hired for a job here on our campus that I will work next year. I'm really excited because so many people applied and it was so competitive. Just thought I'd share!

"I surrender"

I'm giving you my heart and all that is within,
I lay it all down, for the sake of you my King.
I'm giving you my dream, I'm laying down my rights.
I'm giving up my pride, for the promise of new life

...And I surrender, all to you, all to you.
...And I surrender, all to you, all to you.

I'm singing you this song, I'm waiting at the cross,
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
The sake of knowing you, the glory of your hand,
To know the lasting joy in sharing in your pain.
--Vineyard

I used to identify myself as a Christian. I used to feel God working in my life every day. But somewhere, somehow, I lost that connection. I chose not to have God play a central role in my life anymore. It wasn't a conscious decision. It was gradual. Life got hectic, I got busy, I thought I was bigger, could handle more than I could. Sometimes it takes a tragic event or something really significant to draw people back to God. The thing is, I don't want to wait for that to happen. I know that, especially in a world like the one we are living in today, I need my faith more than ever. I don't want to have to wait until something so bad happens. I don't want to go one more day without feeling God's love in my life. The hardest part is knowing where to start. When I listened to this song tonight though, I could only think of one thing to do: surrender. So here I am, surrendering all. I love the lyrics "and all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss". I think this is so powerful. I don't want to be worldly in the way that I am anymore. I want to live for God.

I change so much from day to day, let alone from year to year. I change my look, my hair, my beliefs, (some of) my friends, my likes, my dislikes. Today I decided I liked egg whites. I've hated egg whites all my life but I think I have finally convinced myself to like them so that I can eat egg white omletes...because they make you skinny you know. It's dumbfounding actually, to think about how much can change in one person in such a short span of time. I talked to my ex-boyfriend today and so much has changed there too. We haven't been together for over a year and each day I see us changing, growing apart, not being so dependent on eachother, realizing we can fall in love with other people and that it will be ok. It's just so crazy to be where I am right now. So much happens every day, things that we choose, things that are thrust upon us to make us what we are. I think where all of this is leading me is that there are changes I want to make in my life to get "where I want to be". I want to...

1. Develop my spiritual self, seek a closer relationship with God

2. Be less concerned about the way I look

3. Give more compliments

4. Start doing things I love again....write more

5. Enrol in a creative writing course

6. Learn to be attracted to my own body

7. Stop waiting for him to make up his mind and fall in love with me

8. Get back in touch with an old friend

9. Kick ass on my exams

I can only think of 9 right now...which is a funny number because everyone makes lists consisting of tens. But there it is, written down and everything...the nine changes I plan to make.